


All these stories are the same

by QueenBee333



Category: South Park
Genre: Action, Aged Up, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Comedy, Coon and Friends - Freeform, Fluff, Freedom Pals - Freeform, M/M, Misunderstandings, No angst here, Romance, Secret Identities, Super Dude, Teens with Powers, Vigilantism, Wonder Storm, creek - Freeform, enemies to friends to lovers all out of order, everyone kicks ass, professor chaos - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:21:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27255601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenBee333/pseuds/QueenBee333
Summary: Craig Tucker considers his life normal, well as normal as it could be when living in South Park. Sure he’s a vigilante named Super Dude with super strength and lasers that shoot out of his eyes for some reason but he’s gotten used to it by now. What happens Chaos is on the rise and actually interferes with his great boring life? Can he stop it with Coon and Friends or will they battle it out with Freedom pals? Will he and that asshole Wonder Storm keep clashing? And can he finally ask that cute blonde barista out? Come find out!!!Basically an SP superhero au with secret identities, misunderstandings and many canon references. I suck at summaries but it’s all fun I promise.
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak
Comments: 7
Kudos: 22





	All these stories are the same

**Author's Note:**

> I’m really excited for this, I love a good superhero au and I’m going to have some fun so bear with me.
> 
> I would also like to credit the names to https://sarkastic.tumblr.com/ for their awesome au that I loosely based my story on.

If you were to tell Craig’s ten year old self he would eventually become a superhero, he would actually kinda believe it. No, he didn’t have this ultimate goal of becoming a hero or doing anything to remotely help others (he was more into space). But because this is usually how these stories work.

When he was around nine years old his powers started to form and needless to say he didn’t like it.

One night he woke up to blue lasers shooting out of his eyes, they didn’t destroy anything like regular lasers; it was more like a light show. Craig thought he was dreaming so he went back to bed like nothing happened, but when it kept happening every night for an entire week he decided to look into it. Google had no credible explanation to why this was happening to a nine year old kid and that was annoying, but it was just lasers he could get used to one weird thing.

It wasn't until six months later the lasers actually caused some damage. He accidentally lasered a hole in the wall, but hung a poster in its place so his mom wouldn't be angry and ask questions. Later in his teens he developed superstrength because having eye lasers wasn't enough apparently. He still kept his powers a secret, it really wasn’t that hard he didn’t talk about himself much in general. He actually had decent control of them over time, maybe it was because he never really expressed emotions or that he didnt give a fuck. He still didn't tell anyone to this day, not even his family because he actually did have one other secret so it was kinda an either or situation.

It was either tell his parents he had superpowers or that he was gay. He chose the gay one.

The entire exchange was simple, Craig just walked up to the kitchen table where his mom, dad and sister were seated for breakfast and simply said:

“Im gay,”

His family wordlessly stared at him for a moment, they were pretty blunt with each other but this was a whole other level. The silence was broken as Tricia stuck her hand out towards his mom and his mom promptly rolled her eyes as she placed a five dollar bill in her hand. It turned out his mom and sister had already anticipated the news but Craig remembered how his Dad just stood up and walked out of the room.

Eventually his Dad came into his room a couple nights later and apologized then gave him a hundred dollars. They never really spoke about it again because there was no reason too. Craig never really had a boyfriend before because he was never really interested in anyone. Sure he would have the occasional hook up, but never anything serious. No one really caught Craig’s attention and Craig wasn't the type to seek out a relationship; he was already a college student/ part time superhero.But that’s enough about the gay part of Craig’s orgin story now back to how he was roped into being a hero.

He became a superhero when he was seventeen primarily due to blackmail. That asshole kite figured out his powers and cornered him after school.

“Craig, I know you have superpowers,” Kyle Broflowski confronted as Craig felt his stomach drop but kept his usual neutral face. He was currently a junior in high school and Broflovski was in his history class. Craig hated his group in general he and his asshole friends were always doing something that resulted in Chaos. If he actually did know Craig’s secret he could be sent to an internment camp in Miami or something.

“No I don't,” Kyle rolled his eyes as he crossed his arms and proceeded to interrogate the stoic teen.

“I saw the lasers shoot out of your eyes,” Craig internally groaned. Yes, his eyes did glow yesterday only because he was mad that fucking fatass cut him off at the Burger King drive through. It was just for a second though as soon as he immediately regained his composure and flipped the fatass off.

“Yeah that didn't happen,” Craig denied as he turned to begin walking home.

“I took a video!” The red head yelled and Craig stopped walking.

“Goddammit.” He muttered to himself as he turned back around to most likely threaten the Jewish teen.

“Don’t worry I have powers too!” Craig cocked an eyebrow as he gave a blank stare, he really didnt give a fuck to where this was going but Kyle kept talking.

“I'm the Human Kite,” He whispered as if it was the biggest secret in the world.

“Who?” Craig flatly asked as Kyle’s face dropped from a heroic smile to a confused frown.

“Human Kite, you know the Superhero? On Coon and Friends?” Craig had heard of the group of  
supposed vigilantes but never really cared enough to look into it.

“You mean you work with that fat rat guy that eats trash?”

“There’s others,” The redhead meekly defended as Craig turned and resumed walking away.

“Craig as heroes we have a duty to protect and-”

“Save me the lecture,”

“South Park needs you Craig!”

“It seems fine to me,”

“And it pays!” That caught Craig’s attention.

“How much?” Kyle smiled as he knew he got Craig hooked.

“We can work something out,”

“Ugh fine,”

So that’s how Craig basically became a superhero, but he made the Kite promise two things: The first being to never tell a soul about his identity and the second being he will never wear spandex.

Being a superhero actually wasn't bad. Craig was paid a decent amount of money and got to kick the crap out of bad guys, a pretty good job for an eighteen year old. There weren't any problems until he came along.

Wonder Storm

He joined Freedom Pals (the rival vigilante group) about two months after Craig joined or more like forced into Coon and Friends. Craig really didn’t have any problems with the blonde hero before, sure he was more over dramatic than Craig was used too, but he wasn’t as bad as Mysterion who constantly kept monologuing. The blond sometimes let his emotions control his actions, but so did half the superheroes in this town. No Craig didn't have any problems with his personality. He had a problem with the fact that motherfucker talked trash about his guinea pig.

Stripe #3 was his sidekick, another one of Craig’s random ass powers was he could control guinea pigs, seriously just guinea pigs no other animals. Craig still remembers the day he discovered his weird but favorite power. His mom took him to the pet store when he was nine to get him a pet, she said he could get whatever so Craig walked down all the aisles until something caught his eye. It was a brown and white guinea pig loudly squeaky that made the small boy stop browsing and walk towards the little animal standing in the middle of his own cage which held a wheel, a little water bottle and a small dish of feed. The Guinea pig had his face pressed against the glass as he stared at Craig eagerly squeaking.

“You have a wheel? That's cool,’’ As soon as the stoic boy said that the little creature immediately ran to the wheel and began to run. Craig furrowed his eyebrows, it was like he could understand him.

“Faster?” The guinea pig immediately sped up on the wheel as Craig felt his eyes widen.

“Stop,” The animal halted and looked to the boy as if waiting for further command.

“Can you understand me?” The brown guinea pig squeaked eagerly as he bobbed his head up and down almost like a nod.

“Holy shit,” The nine year murmured with amazement.

“Craig have you picked a pet?” His mom called breaking him from his trance.

“I want this one,” The nine year old flatly said as he pointed his finger at the eagerly shaking pet. His mom seemed a little surprised at the certainty. She had thought her son would go with a low maintenance animal like a fish, but she shrugged and paid for the animal. He named the animal Stripe and loved and took care of him until he died a few years later. Craig then bought another Guinea pig and named him after the first, Craig wasnt that creative when it came to names. The cycle repeated itself to now with Stripe the third.

Stripe #3 would dismantle bombs by cutting wires with his teeth or sneak into villain’s hideouts and dismantle security cameras; he even once crawled up a robber’s pants and wouldn't get out until he surrendered. Stripe was truly the greatest sidekick to ever exist; he was definitely a better hero than the Coon. So when the Kite and the Coon came to Craig and said they overheard Wonder Shit say that his Guinea was a useless fat rat, Craig knew he had to fight the bastard.

That’s why Craig Tucker is currently laying in bed in a hospital room.

The two superheroes fought, the brutalist against the elementalist was a powerful scene to behold. They smashed each other into buildings and against the ground and ice was everywhere thanks to Wondershit. Both Coon and Friends and Freedom Pals watched the fight and rooted for their designated hero, Craig’s pretty sure The Coon made bets. In the end they were too evenly matched and were both too stubborn to give up.The police came to break up the fight and arrest the heroes for “disrupting the peace” causing both superhero groups to bolt in opposite directions. The Coon and Friends then dropped Craig off at the hospital and went to patrol.

“Sorry we need to put another patient in here, we don't have any excess rooms,” A nurse said as she poked her head inside Craig’s recovery room.

“God dammit,” Craig groaned with an eyeroll. It was bad enough that he ended up in the hospital but now he’d probably spend his night next to some weirdo.

Then a pale, blonde guy slowly walked in with a nurse trailing beside him as she helped him into the other hospital bed in the room. His right arm was covered in gauze with blood seeping through. The rest of his injuries seemed minor, just a split lip, dark blue bruises scattered across his arms and his right cheek red and swollen. The blond glanced over at Craig and that was when he got a good look at his face. His eyes were bright green with dark eye bags underneath an interesting combination in Craig’s opinion. He had a strong jawline that complimented his sharp nose that was already bruising. His short thick blond hair was messy but it somehow worked for him. Even with his face all beaten up, Craig could tell the blond stranger was attractive.

“What happened to you?” Craig blinked at the sudden question obviously not prepared for it, he probably didn't look too good. The doctor told him he does have a couple of electrical burns on his arms, nothing major. His left eye was swollen shut and he had a cut along his eyebrow that required stitches.

“I could ask you the same thing,” The stoic teen responded as the blond’s eyes slightly widened.

“Oh I-I uh box and I had a match a couple hours ago,”. Craig looked him over, he had a lean build. It was pretty evident through the plain green T-shirt and he was covered in bruises, it checked out.

“Shit, did you win?” The blonde smirked despite the busted lip, it was cute in Craig’s opinion.

“You could say that,” The blond then looked Craig over and opened his mouth to speak.

“What about you?” Craig froze not knowing what to say. Yes he did get injured every once in a while but usually he would just flip those who asked off. He could just say he was also in a fight but his mind and his mouth were completely incomprehensible when talking to the attractive blond stranger.

“I fell,” He inevitably blurted out, the blonde raised his eyebrows at the ominous answer.

“down some stairs,” Craig inwardly cringed at his terrible lie but the blond seemed to somehow buy it.

“Jesus are you okay?!”

“Yeah, it wasn’t that many stairs,” Fuck he was a terrible liar. The two sat in an akward silence for about ten minutes before the blond broke the silence.

“God I'd kill for a cup of coffee right now,” The blond muttered randomly as he continuously tapped his index finger on the side of his bed, an obvious nervous tick.

“Really? Hospital coffee?” Craig questioned, coffee was bad enough but the shit here was like rat poison.

“I know it'll taste like shit but at least it'll help me relax,” The anxious teen said as he turned his head to make eye contact with Craig. “Hospitals freak me out man,”

“Why?” Craig flatly asked.

“I don't know what if I get a disease or a bad doctor or an infection or I learn I have Cancer-” Craig cut off his rambling.

“I'm pretty sure you don't have Cancer,”

“How do you know?”

“I don't, maybe you do have cancer,” The blond scoffed.

“Asshole,”

“I think your good I mean we probably have the same doctor so if he does do something i'll sue his ass,” The other guy looked over at Craig with a tight smile.

“Thanks,”

“You're still paranoid aren't you,” The anxious teen sighed as he laid his head back on the pillow.

“You don't know the half of it,”

“I don't really blame you, most of the adults in this town are dumbasses,” That made the anxious blond laugh, in Craig’s opinion it was nice to hear.

“Yeah, how has this town not completely fallen to pieces yet?” The other teen asked incredulously as he shifted his head to meet Craigs dark blue eyes.

“We’ll never know,”

“I’m Craig, by the way,” Craig wasn't one to give his name to random strangers, but this guy intrigued him.

“Tweek,” The blonde responded with a small smile.

“What?” The blond rolled his eyes.

“That’s my name,” Craig raised an eyebrow and was about to say something but the other teen cut him off.

“Yeah I know my parents were on crack when they named me,” Craig felt the corners of his lips turn slightly upward even if he didn't know if it was a joke or not. But he liked the cute stranger beside him.

“Nice to meet you Tweek,”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading have a “super” day!!!


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